*Published in Vol. 3 of Fools Magazine
Content Warning: Sexual Assault
*Name changed for anonymity
I was late to my interview with Sloan*. The delay was an issue – “I was ready at two,” she said. The gritty memories of the porn industry needed emotional preparation to tell, and Sloan had been ready fifteen minutes prior. Having thought about the interview for a few days, she knew that reliving that situation was going to hurt; dealing with a mental illness and working in the porn industry are two heavily stigmatized identities in today’s society. With a little more time to prepare, her dogs around her, and a few sips of wine, Sloan began her story.
When asked why she wanted to enter the porn industry, Sloan’s answer surprised me, “I wasn’t actually interested in it, I was tricked into it.” After a familial fracture which involved her parents forcing her into a psychiatric facility, and a false diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, Sloan dropped out of high school and found comfort in Minnesota, where she began nude modeling. It was artistic, nothing pornographic, “the kind you print on canvas and put in galleries, that kind of thing.” Soon after, her personal life started to crumble and she found herself alone without a place to stay. Looking for modeling gigs and not finding any, Sloan was losing hope.
Then came the email from an agent in Miami, offering ten thousand dollars for a nude shoot. The money, of course, sounded great to a 20-year-old sleeping in her car. Once she arrived, the agent picked her up from the airport, and she was taken to a luxury condo on the beach for the photoshoot. Sloan knew what to expect from modeling shoots: a team of makeup artists, stylists, and photographers. However, the only person in the condo was a middle-aged man, which she found strange. “You don’t have any idea why you’re here, do you?” he asked. She told him that she was scheduled for a nude photo shoot. He replied, “Yeah, that’s part of it.” Sloan went on to describe the man going to a freezer, getting liquor, and taking her to the patio to talk.
After a few drinks of Jägermeister, Sloan was coerced into bed with the man. Drunk and vulnerable, Sloan’s first pornographic video was shot without her consent. “To this day, I can’t drink Jägermeister. It disgusts me. I woke up hours later on the bathroom floor with barely any memory of what happened.” The agent took all of her money and Sloan was stuck with nowhere to go but with him.
Dishonesty is a trademark of her story. In the porn industry, there is a lot of “trickery, rape, sexual assault, [and] agents taking advantage of models,” according to Sloan. “I’m sure there are women who go into it willingly, but as far as me, it wasn’t. I chose it eventually, but I didn’t seek it out. I didn’t have family at that point. No friends. I decided at that point that that was my life.”
The adult film industry comes under fire for a lot of things, but not enough for the treatment of its workers. Sloan’s advice is just not to get involved, no matter how much money is offered, nor privacy promised.
“People will find out, I guarantee it.”
She describes sex work as a dent in life’s path that is very emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. Money doesn’t keep she says, especially when your job is based upon the way you look. Sloan wants to make sure people don’t place blame upon themselves.
“I guarantee you 99 percent of the time, if someone is leaving the industry it’s because they do not want to be part of it anymore. People do not get kicked out. It will find a way to draw you back in if it can. Don’t be afraid to reach out, be strong willed, and put your foot down. Don’t let them suck you back in, because they’ll try.”
Sloan traveled around the country to make films, but when sent to California, her mental illness caught up with her. She realized her misdiagnosed Bipolar Disorder was actually severe anxiety and depression. Sloan recalled painful moments where she would have to stop filming because she would burst into tears, only to be reprimanded by a heartless videographer.
“It was, ‘suck it up, or we’ll replace you with someone else.’ But then you lose the money, and get in trouble with the agent.” After hiring a new agent and creating her own life plan, she walked away. “I mean, I literally walked away. I walked off the set and never went back. There’s a stigma out there that the porn industry is all of this glitz, glam, beautiful women and sex, and [that’s] not even remotely close to what it actually is.”
Sloan’s family wanted nothing to do with her after they found out about the films. She realized that the producers of her films had linked her real name to them – again, without her consent.
To start anew, Sloan moved back to Minnesota. In her place of new beginnings, making a home wasn’t as easy as she had assumed. Getting a job was difficult, as her name was still linked to her former films, and she was once fired after her boss discovered her past. “If you Googled my name, that’s the first thing that you’d see.” The attorney Sloan was dating at the time served as her representation in a court process to change her name. She went before a judge and explained to the courtroom why it needed to be changed. The judge granted the request without question. On her new identity, Sloan says, “I picked a name that had to do with being a warrior. I got through everything.”
After being rejected from the workforce for so long, Sloan turned to the military. Proud of herself for fighting through her own battles, she felt strong, resilient, and ready to serve her country. She made it almost all the way through boot camp, physical trials and all, until a ghost from her past began to haunt her yet again.
“I didn’t make it through boot camp because of my psychological past with the psych ward that I had been committed to. That came up, and they didn’t allow me to continue. It took some healing after that, too, because I knew exactly who to blame. It wasn’t my choice to be committed, but the Navy doesn’t care about that.” Feeling alone in the world, Sloan decided to reach out to her father, who became understanding of all that had happened. Her mother, though, still tells people that her daughter is dead. Still rebuilding her relationship with her siblings, Sloan is slowly regaining her sense of family.
After a breakthrough job offer, Sloan left the sex industry for good to become a personal trainer in Chicago. Golf became a relaxing pastime, and dogs proved to be more loyal companions than humans. After a boating accident that left her ankle broken and her life in a rut, Sloan decided that after her recovery, she would move to Florida. Sloan lived there up until this interview.
After discussing her former life with me and detailing all of the trials she overcame, Sloan made the decision to move back to Minnesota, which had been a long-time comfort to her. She had been thinking about moving for a while and decided that it was time after we spoke. Once she was settled, I received a call from her, just a few days after the interview. I heard hope in her voice now that she was back in Minnesota – her place of new beginnings.
Philip Runia 